


Meet the Purple Dawn

by servatia83



Series: Ride On [1]
Category: Fallout 4
Genre: Eventual Romance, F/M, Slow Burn, more characters will come
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-17
Updated: 2017-07-30
Packaged: 2018-12-03 08:45:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 19,869
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11528712
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/servatia83/pseuds/servatia83
Summary: Kalyna Mara has opened her eyes to a world that is hostile and strange. While there are friendly faces, none of them are familiar, and monsters seem to lurk around every corner. Some of them wear the faces of men. And some men wear the faces of monsters.





	1. Over the Last Crumbling Mountain

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _((There’s a small amount of canon divergence in this series. In one of my playthroughs I did things in a wonky order (by a mix of accident and laziness as in ‘while I’m here I might as well’) and that bled into this text. Also I’m officially completely incapable of navigating the Commonwealth sensibly. My first travel to Diamond City is always painful. I’m sure there’s an easy way to go there, but I haven’t found it. Every time I play, the first time I die is trying to get there.  
>  I always estimated _Wash It All Away _(which was the first part I’d written for this) towards the end of the game. It must be way after The Molecular Level but before The Nuclear Option, simply because of how I referred to the Institute._ Dark Star _is only a little later, the rest is post game and mildly AU.  
>  So this ends just before _Wash It All Away _takes over. Which means, this can stand alone, because every other part happens later. It also means it will not have a very satisfying ending.  
>  The title is a line from the song _Man’s Road _by America. Same band gives the chapter heading, taken from_ The Last Unicorn _.))_

Go to Diamond City, they had said. It’s not far, they had said. Now Kalyna had collapsed to the ground, shaking. Every muscle in her body ached after she’d run from the huge green _thing_ that had come at her with a motherfucking bomb under its arm. She’d heard and felt the explosion, had been knocked face forwards into the river. And while she knew that she needed help after swallowing the irradiated water, she also knew falling into a tree might have killed her. So she’d dragged herself back on land and just sat there.

‘You’ve lived here, for fuck’s sake,’ she said quietly. ‘Get a grip. You know where you want to go.’ She was so badly shaken she could barely use the pip-boy, summon up the map. Most of the data was lost, but she would be able to manually input locations. She’d started doing that already. And at least the thing showed her where she was, even if it couldn’t tell her what was around her. Nothing much, by the looks of it.

Taking a few steadying breaths, Kalyna picked herself up. She was bruised, soaking, and alone. Well. Almost. A gentle nudge against her hand reminded her of the dog she’d picked up. ‘Hi,’ she said. ‘Know a better way to Diamond City?’

She hadn’t expected an answer, but the German Shepherd took off and glanced back at her, clearly meaning for her to follow.

‘Well. It’s not like you can be worse at this than I am. Lead the way.’

All the way, Kalyna had her hand on her gun. As a young woman, she’d gone to the shooting range with her cousin a couple of times, just for kicks. She’d been quite good at it, too, but she’d never in her wildest dreams thought she’d ever point a gun at a living creature. She would not think of the deathclaw in Concord, at the huge, slavering mouth, the way it had picked up a raider and flung him away so hard every bone in his body had been broken, before coming at her … No. No, she would not think of that. There had to be nice things, too. Maybe bears had mutated into something like hamsters, if this was what had happened to chameleons. It was possible. No? Well. Probably not.

At least, she wasn’t as clueless as she’d been when she’d crawled out of her vault. She’d had a few words with her Minutemen. She knew that there was an Institute. One night, she’d asked Sturges about them. The man had first seemed reluctant to talk, then Mama Murphy had taken him aside, telling him God knew what, and he’d come to her with a small smile. He told her about how no-one knew where they were or what they wanted, but that they had created machines, called synths, that looked like people; that there was no way to tell one from the other. She’d asked if synths were evil. Sturges had taken a minute to answer that. In the end, he’d asked the counter question if humans were evil. She supposed it was a fair question if they truly felt like people. Assuming that she wasn’t blown up in the immediate future, Kalyna would certainly run into one of them. Until then, she’d withhold judgement.

Dogmeat, it turned out, probably knew where he was going. He led her east, further along the river than she would have gone. He also led her to more of the green things. In hindsight, Kalyna wondered if she shouldn’t just have followed silently. The truth was, she had panicked. She’d seen them and had started running away blindly, with little to no attention where she was going. She’d crashed through the first door she could find, slamming it shut and leaning against it. Again, out of breath. Again, shaking. And again, without a clue where the hell she even was.

Ϡ

One would think that an old building was at least somewhat soundproof. Well. Deacon was probably just too used to the quiet in the Switchboard. The place had been large and there was little noise coming through closed doors. Here, he heard every single time a ghoul stubbed its toe above them. It made them all nervous, but on the plus side, it also meant that the moment the door banged shut above them, they were alert. ‘No-one?’ he asked into the lingering silence. ‘Well, then I’ll say it. Oh fuck.’

‘Does anyone …’ Dez swallowed. ‘Well. Glory, Drummer Boy, we’ll … What in the name …’ Another sound had come from above, as if all the ghouls outside of their hideout had started moving at once, then a scream and shots. Fewer than there were ghouls.

Deacon bit his lower lip. ‘I’m going up there,’ he said at last.

‘We don’t know …’

‘Yeah, Dez, we don’t know. I’m not planning on spilling our secrets, but I’d like to not find a fresh, mutilated corpse the next time we check the entrance.’ He shrugged, already on the way out. ‘We need manpower, don’t we? What better way to recruit someone than by rescuing them first.’

It soon became clear that not all ghouls had gone for the intruder. He shot those in his way somewhat reluctantly. They were a meagre protection, but more than nothing. And he didn’t really like how easily they could be found. A necessity, but a dangerous one.

When Deacon reached the upper floor, he found several ghouls underneath one of the galleries. Above them, there was a woman. She was sitting behind the balustrade, apparently waiting for them to go away. ‘Hi,’ he said conversationally. ‘What are you doing up there?’

She chanced a look down at him, cueing the ghouls to growl louder. ‘Oh, you know,’ she said. ‘Just enjoying the view. Nice church you’ve got. Do you live here?’ Her voice had a slight tremble and maybe there was a trace of an accent.

Deacon leaned against the wall, legs crossed. The ghouls ignored him for now, but he knew that might change, so he kept his gun in his hand despite the casual stance. ‘Yeah, actually. Didn’t use to, though.’

‘Are these yours? If they are, could you please call them off? Oh. And I would like to go outside and call mine.’

‘Call yours? Your ghouls?’

‘My dog.’

‘These are not dogs.’

‘No? Huh.’ She said something completely incomprehensible. ‘You’re a horrible person,’ she added.

‘I know that. Need help?’

‘Don’t know. I wasn’t planning anything aside from chilling up here.’

‘I think you need help.’ He fired fire well-aimed bullets, taking down the ghouls.

The woman glared at him. ‘I was just about to kill them.’

Deacon grinned. ‘Yeah. They were impressed. You can come down now.’

With more elegance than he’d thought she’d have, she swung herself down and landed on her feet. He raised an eyebrow at her. Ignoring him, the woman walked to the door, opened it, and in came a dog. A beautiful one at that. ‘Thanks,’ she said. ‘Where did you even come from?’

‘Places.’

‘Сучий сину.’

Deacon blinked at her. ‘Sorry, didn’t catch that.’

‘I said, nice to meet you.’

Up close, she looked ill. Radiation, he thought. She needed help. ‘Where are you from?’ he asked her.

‘Sanctuary.’

‘Strange accent they got up there. Well. Fair enough. You can go now. Bye.’

‘I want to know where I am, what you’re doing here, and why you are in this place.’

Deacon ticked his answers off on his fingers. ‘You’re in the Old North Church, I was just saving your life, and I’m here because I live here.’

‘That … wasn’t a joke?’

‘No. Now go.’

‘No.’ She swallowed. ‘No, I can’t. I need to go to Diamond City, but I nearly got exploded on the way, and I really can’t keep doing that more than twice a day. So I’m not leaving.’

‘Sorry. You’ve got to. Look. Follow the red lines outside back past the mutants. Be careful, don’t get killed, and maybe you make it to Goodneighbor. Get your shit together there, and once you’re done, move on to Diamond City. Maybe you can even hire some protection there.’

‘Can I hire you?’

‘No.’ He rubbed the bridge of his nose. ‘Oh, for fuck’s sake. Wait here. If you follow me, I’ll shoot you personally. I won’t be a minute, but before I leave, I need to do something real quick.’ He shook his head. ‘I’m only doing this because if I send you out there alone, you’ll be mincemeat in less than a minute and I don’t feel like being responsible for that.’ Dez might kill him, but leaving this fool to blunder around alone was irresponsible. He hadn’t planned on staying in HQ for long anyway. Might as well go now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _((For once, I’m not translating the Ukrainian because it’ll come up later. It’s pronounced /suchyy synu/.))_


	2. Thank God for Your Bewilderment

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _((Chapter heading is from the song_ Hunger _by ASP.))_

‘So,’ Deacon asked on the way. ‘Do you even have a gun?’

Kalyna growled. ‘Yes, but it’s not working anymore. Can you take a look?’

‘Sure.’ He took it from her and gave it a once-over. ‘Huh. I’m hardly an expert, but that thing,’ he shook it, ‘isn’t supposed to rattle like that. You’re lucky it didn’t explode in your hand, I think. You can buy a better one in Goodneighbor.’

‘I don’t have money. Well. Scratch that. I have money, but people won’t take it.’

Deacon stared at her. ‘Why the hell would … My God, who are you even?’

‘Kalyna Mara. State’s attorney.’

‘Funny. Name’s Deacon. I … ah … well. Can you shoot?’

‘Yes. I could, as long as it worked.’

‘Good. We’ll get you a gun.’

‘And you want what exactly in return?’

‘Nothing.’ The idea formed quickly. ‘How about I don’t buy you a gun at all? I could instead give you one that I don’t have to pay for?’

‘Huh?’

Deacon stopped. ‘I’ll lend you a revolver. You show me you can use it, and you help me with something. Once we’re done, you get a weapon from me, and maybe I’ll tell you a bit about me and my church back there. Deal?’

‘Depends. What do you want me to do?’

Deacon knew people. She thought he wanted sex. Nothing was further from the truth. ‘I’ll ask another question first, all right? Why do you try to pay with money? Who are you, where do you come from, what are you doing here?’

‘I’m …’ She swallowed and looked away. Then she levelled her gaze at him again, chin set. He’d get the truth. ‘I came out of Vault 111. I was frozen there since before the war and I don’t know shit about this clusterfuck you call a world. My husband was shot and my baby son stolen. I need to find him.’

‘Oh God. I am so sorry. D’you know … Kalyna!’ She’d let the gun he’d returned to her fall and crumbled to the floor. Deacon didn’t know how to handle a situation like this. ‘Hey, Kalyna.’ He crouched in front of her. ‘Look. I know the world is a horrible mess. But you’re not all on your own. No-one is, if they need help.’

She looked at him, her bloodshot eyes angry and tearful. ‘Everyone’s out for themselves. Always has been. There’s no such thing as altruism.’

‘And you were a state’s attorney? Wow. That job really cost you.’ She glared at him. ‘I hereby make it my mission to prove you wrong. But the thing is, I can’t do this alone. So here’s the question: Are you going to scream and hide if a synth comes at you, or are you going to help me fight? Are you able to?’

‘I’m able. But I’m not shooting people.’ She picked herself up, cheeks flushed with embarrassment, and moved on.

‘Synths are people?’

‘Sturges said so.’

Deacon’s eyebrows shot up. He knew a Sturges. Formerly K8-42 to be precise. It couldn’t be. ‘Sturges?’

She shrugged. ‘One of the Minutemen. Nice guy.’ She frowned. ‘Hey, maybe he was a synth. And I sure as hell wouldn’t shoot Sturges. You’re on your own.’

‘Ah. You’ve got your head on straight and the backbone to refuse me. Both good. But we’re not talking about the synths that look like people. We talk about the older models. They don’t have personalities. I would never – and that’s something you’ll learn about me if you don’t run away now – I would never want you to kill a person that doesn’t try to kill you first. And those synths you’re thinking about, they’re people.’

Kalyna looked at him. ‘I don’t believe you.’

‘Understandable. Come with me. We’ll get a bit of intel, we go inside, and if they look like people to you, you walk right back out.’

‘And if I do that, you’ll shoot me.’

‘If I wanted to shoot you, I’d have done that in the Old North Church. Mind you, I wouldn’t have had to. The ghouls would have figured out how to get up to you eventually. Speaking of which, how did you get up there?’

‘I jumped.’

‘To the gallery?’

‘Adrenaline.’

Deacon shook his head. ‘Wow. Well. There now. Two options. I bring you to Goodneighbor, you get yourself some RadAway, and tomorrow morning we get you a really good gun and maybe you’ll find friends and some actual help. Or I bring you to Goodneighbor, you get yourself some RadAway, and I buy you a mediocre gun and move on alone.’ He grinned. ‘And before you start doubting aloud that I’ll even bring you to Goodneighbor, we’re already there. See that sign? Now it’s your turn.’

Ϡ

Somehow, in Kalyna’s book, it was all too convenient. This guy had happened to be there to save her life. Now he happened to know where to find a good gun. She didn’t trust him at all. True, he had given her a revolver before even entering Goodneighbor, but still. He was shifty at best. They took rooms in a collapsing hotel. Deacon paid, and with every single thing he did, her scepticism of the man grew. That was why, in the morning, she told him thanks but no thanks. He shrugged and bought her a gun, like he’d said. Handing it to her, he gave her a once over. It wasn’t a lusting look. It was an assessment. ‘You’ll never make it to Diamond City,’ he said.

‘I’ve killed a deathclaw, Deacon.’

‘With your bare hands, I’m sure. No. We share a good portion of the way. I’ll leave you within sight of the city guards. Come on. This isn’t an offer you’re going to get again soon.’

‘Why would you be doing this?’

‘As I told you, I’ve got something to do. And we walk a bit of the same path.’

Reluctantly, Kalyna agreed. Her only other option would have been to use the gun he’d just given her to threaten him into leaving. That didn’t seem like a path she wanted to take.

It was difficult to recognise Boston in the mess out there. Most of the buildings had collapsed, some were on the way. They made it to the Swan pond, and Kalyna saw one of the boats still intact. Deacon was a bit away, examining a corpse. Enthusiastic that something wasn’t completely unrecognisable, Kalyna walked over to the boat.

Several things happened at once. Deacon shouted at her, something moved in the corner of her eye, and she was being showered with water. Something – Deacon, oh God, it was only Deacon – grabbed her and pulled her away. And then she turned and saw it. Large as a house, wielding a piece of rock and an arm that was just impossible. This time she didn’t scream. She froze. Deacon shoved her, hard, snapping her out of it. ‘Move! Move, Kalyna, or we’re both dead!’ His hand was closed on her wrist in a bruising grip and finally she gave in to his attempt to pull her after him. Tailed by the monster from the lake, they all but fell through a door into relative safety. It hissed shut, and a piece of rock banged against it a moment later. Their eyes locked, and for a few minutes they both waited. For huge hands opening the door. For a fist to smash it in. The sounds from outside quietened after a while and Deacon banged his head against the wall. ‘I am not going out that door,’ he said.

‘Me neither. Think there’s another exit?’                   

‘We’ll look. Good God. You’re going to get me killed.’

Kalyna gave him a lingering look. ‘Why didn’t you just leave me?’

He glared at her. ‘I haven’t the faintest idea.’ His eyes closed and he shook his head. ‘Come on. We need to find out where the hell we even are.’

 


	3. Underneath the Bunker

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _((Chapter heading is the title of an R.E.M. song.))_

Deacon had left Kalyna at the entrance while he went to take a look at the place they’d stumbled into. He returned after little more than a glance past the door below them. ‘We’re in an old subway station,’ he informed her.

‘No shit.’

‘Smartass. There’s ghouls in here. Not like in the Old North Church, these here can chat and think. Some of them are pretty nice.’

‘Yeah. I was there when the nice mayor of Goodneighbor stabbed a guy, you know.’

‘The guy was trying to rob you. Hancock’s a fine man.’

‘I’m still trying to wrap my head around his existence.’

‘Fair enough.’ Deacon gestured downstairs with his gun. ‘Other than Hancock, these here are going to shoot you, though.’

‘Why, if they can think?’

Deacon rolled his eyes. ‘The world isn’t divided into good people and brainless monsters, Kalyna. They’re a gang of some sort. So our options are going back out, trying to outrun the behemoth, or taking our chances with the ghouls here.’

‘And how?’

Deacon made a face. ‘Simple. We shoot first.’

Ϡ

In Concord, Kalyna had shot raiders. This was the same thing, really, she told herself. Still, she didn’t enjoy this killing thing one bit. At least, it wasn’t making her sick. As they got deeper into the station, they overheard them talking, but Kalyna didn’t pay attention. She focussed on reloading her gun, on giving Deacon cover if something came at them.

Her reluctant companion had stopped to listen in, however, and he looked at her with a curious expression. ‘How did I not think of that?’ he asked her.

‘Huh?’

‘They have kidnapped Nick Valentine. He’s a detective, Kalyna.’ He crouched down close to her in their cover. ‘Listen. Maybe this entire alerting monsters to us thing was a blessing in disguise. Nick is the most likely person to be able to help you find your kid. And he’s in here.’

‘Again. Why are you helping me?’

‘Ah … Because I want to find an alternative way out. So I’m not eaten. I don’t want to be eaten.’

‘You will be, one day.’

‘I wouldn’t recommend it. I’ve got almost four decades to soak up rads. Probably poisonous. Come to think of it, I’m probably going to die relatively young. I had more exposure to radiation than was wise or necessary.’

‘Can’t you do something about it? You gave me something.’

‘I still have 39 years on you of getting irradiated. RadAway helps with the acute problems. But it doesn’t annihilate decades of exposure. Maybe I should turn myself into a ghoul, huh?’

‘Can you do that?’

‘Works for some.’ He made a face. ‘I don’t want to live that long, though. Not that I intend to die in here, but … well. Life isn’t good enough to want that much extra time.’

Somehow, Kalyna had a feeling he was more serious than he let on. She pointed her chin in the direction of the ghouls. ‘So. Are we going to get that detective?’

‘Yeah. Oh, and by the way, you really are a good shot.’

‘I told you. And I did kill a deathclaw.’

‘I’m starting to believe you.’ He stood and dusted himself off. ‘No use squatting here. Let’s move. And … tell you what. We find Nick, he helps you, and after that, I do hope you’ll help me. Think about it. Please.’

‘I need to find my son. I honestly don’t care about anything else.’

‘Understandable. Well, I had to try. Let’s move.’

Ϡ

It soon became clear that ahead of them was a vault. They had a moment of calm before opening the door. Deacon, being an excellent liar, knew when someone was shifty and Kalyna … Kalyna was completely honest, unless he was very much mistaken. He was prepared to retire if he was wrong about her. He’d thought her statement that she was a lawyer was a joke, but it seemed she’d told the truth. He was certain now that she had a trace of a foreign accent, but he had to focus to notice it, and he certainly couldn’t pin it down.

Before she could open the door and bring more ghouls down on them, Deacon stopped her. ‘Let’s make use of the moment to catch our breaths,’ he said.

‘Spill.’ Good. She no longer thought he had ulterior motives.

Deacon gestured at her pack. ‘You picked up a grenade earlier. You know how to throw it without blasting yourself into bits?’

‘By not throwing in on myself. Like that. That’s how you don’t do it.’ She made a motion as if she was tossing a handful of grass on herself.

‘That was my point. Yes. Also make sure there’s an obstacle between you and it.’

‘Sensible.’

‘Next question. What do you do when an enemy gets up close?’

‘I shoot them?’

‘Or you’ll shoot your foot. Or whoever’s standing nearby. Guns are a bad idea in a close fight. Kick them, shove them, whack them on the head with your gun. But don’t shoot wildly when they’re in your face. You’re more likely to hurt yourself than them.’

‘Oh.’ She scratched her head. ‘I wouldn’t know how to do that.’

‘Then learn it.’ Deacon motioned to the entrance to the vault. ‘These guys in there, with their submachine guns, if you get too close, they’ll cover the rest of the distance. I can’t shoot them then, either, because I’d risk shooting you. Knock them over the head, temple’s good. Or just sucker punch them and fire while they’re down.’

‘Why are you doing this?’

‘Again? I thought we’ve been through this. I want to get out alive, and the way we came isn’t my best bet because someone had to wake up the monster in the pond.’

‘No. Why are you helping me? You could handle this. All you’d need to do is tell me to stay back.’

Deacon shrugged. ‘You seem to need it, and let’s face it. Once we’ve got Nick, you’ll go and find your son. You need to be prepared for the world out there.’ He smiled slightly. ‘I thought you’re a goner when you were up on that gallery. But now … I think you could become really good at this. If you survive. Now, if you’d do the honours, we can give old Nick Valentine a nice little surprise. I’m sure he’ll be delighted to help you in return for the rescue. He’s a good person, Kalyna. You tell him what you told me, and he’ll gladly do all he can for you and your kid.’

‘I can’t pay him.’

Deacon snorted. ‘You don’t know Nick. He’d help a mother find her kid for free any time. Altruism isn’t as dead as you think. And right now, you’re saving his hide, so you don’t have to feel you’re in his debt at all.’

‘You know that guy?’

‘Yeah. I know him.’

Ϡ

They found Nick all right. And when the door opened and revealed who or what these ghouls had held captive, she nearly did the job for them and shot him. The only reason why she failed was because Deacon knocked the gun out of her hand the moment he realised what she was doing. ‘Now that’s a welcome,’ Nick said. ‘Hello there, too.’

‘Kalyna, this is Nick, Nick, this is Kalyna. Front door’s a problem, there’s an angry behemoth there. So if you know another way out, we’re all for it.’

Nick looked at her. ‘Huh. I’ve never seen you in Diamond City.’

‘I need a detective,’ Kalyna said. ‘My son has been kidnapped and my husband murdered.’

Nick’s expression was astoundingly encouraging, considering that he looked like a battered robot. ‘Huh. You’ve found the right man for that. But getting out might be difficult.’

‘She can hold her own,’ Deacon said. He frowned for a moment. ‘Kalyna, you realise that he’s a synth, right?’

‘Yes. And you said those that don’t look human aren’t … well …’ She cast a glance at Nick.

‘They’re nothing more than machines,’ the detective helped out. ‘Don’t worry, I know that all right. I’m a bit of a failed experiment and the great exception. But generally your instinct was good. If it looks like I do, shoot first and ask questions later. I would appreciate if you didn’t shoot me, though.’

‘I wasn’t planning to. I don’t care what you look like. If it walks like a person and talks like a person … well.’ Deacon chuckled at that statement. She wrapped her arms around herself. ‘Can we go now? I really don’t feel like staying here.’

They followed Nick up through the vault. He seemed to know where he was going, and after getting rid of Nick’s kidnapper, Deacon said good-bye. Nick scowled at him. ‘Really? You’re just letting her go? I’d have thought you’d want to recruit someone like her. You even tried me. Multiple times.’

Deacon shrugged. ‘I tried. She said no.’

‘Recruit me for what exactly? You offered me a shady deal.’

‘He’s with the Railroad.’

‘Thanks, Nick. Good to know that my secrets are safe with you.’

The synth huffed. ‘Come on. She’s the kind of woman you want on your side.’

‘The Railroad?’ Kalyna asked. ‘Like the Underground Railroad back in the day? I mean … you wouldn’t know about that. Can you people even read?’

Deacon rammed his fists into his side, but it was obvious his outrage was faked. ‘Can I read? Now that hurts. For the record, I love reading. Old books especially. And the name of our little organisation isn’t a coincidence. We … try to free synths from the Institute. So we do basically what your Underground Railroad did.’ He reached out and snatched her left arm, activating her pip-boy. ‘I’m going to mark a place on your map. Meet me there in three days in the morning. I’ll wait until noon. After that, I’ll be gone. If you want to work with me after all, be there. If you don’t, then I wish you the best of luck. Nick … take care of her. And yourself. I’ll see you around.’

 

 


	4. Imitation of Life

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _((Chapter heading is an R.E.M. song title.))_

Deacon wasn’t sure what made him follow Nick and Kalyna, but he had a feeling that it was in his best interest to keep an eye on the vault dweller. HQ almost certainly didn’t expect him to come back already, so he had the time. He stalked them all the way to Diamond City. He was half certain that Nick knew what he was doing, but the detective didn’t tell. He would have eavesdropped on the conversation, if Nick hadn’t turned on the radio inside. The last thing Deacon heard was Ellie’s shout of delight at the sight of Nick, and then the horror that was Diamond City Radio.

So he had waited. Eventually, the pair had emerged again, and Deacon had followed them first to a house in Diamond City, where the lost little frightened girl picked a lock like it was nothing, and from there to Fort Hagen. He decided against going in. It was crawling with Gen 2 synths, and while that didn’t scare him particularly, it would be hard to remain hidden. Well. The other two would have to come back out eventually. Deacon, in the meantime, secured the perimeter. He had a feeling they would emerge worse for the wear, and he wanted them to have a clear coast when they returned. He didn’t find much except a few mutts and a couple of ghouls within his sight.

Deacon didn’t mind waiting. In his job, it was a part of life. You waited for a package, for someone to say something, for … well. Anything really. So he sat on the roof of Fort Hagen after he’d scouted out a likely place for the other two to exit. He had a stealth-boy ready in case they looked his way and prepared to let his mind wander while keeping himself half alert.

He noticed the growing black spot on the sky after a while. His gaze fixed on it, he was filled with a profound sense of unease. Slowly, the spot took up shape. An airship. A motherfucking airship was flying into the Commonwealth, and there was only one kind of people who would be able to pull that off. Deacon rose from his place, staring up into the sky, almost without blinking, as if they would go away again if he just stared hard enough. He didn’t even notice the door he’d stayed close to opening, because the Brotherhood of Steel made its announcement. His blood ran cold. They were not here to bring peace.

Nick’s voice brought him out of his reverie, low and with a strange quality. ‘Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there, wondering, fearing.’

‘Sums it up nicely.’ Neither one of the pair asked him what he was doing here. Well. It was kind of obvious, but still.

‘You need to talk to your people, Deacon,’ Nick said. ‘About this.’

‘Yeah.’

‘And you and I will see what we can make of that bit of brain you picked up. Find someone who can read some information from it.’

‘Why don’t you ask Amari?’ Deacon asked before he could stop himself. He tore his eyes from the blimp before he shot his mouth off even more. The Brotherhood had barely arrived and he was losing his shit. ‘I mean, I’ve heard she can do a lot more than just help you relive memories.’

Nick gave him a lingering look. ‘My thought exactly. Goodneighbor it is, then. And Deacon … stop tailing me. It’s annoying.’

He pointed at the airship. ‘This has just become a priority. No offence, but you have never been less interesting.’

‘None taken. Make no mistake, they’ve come to start a war.’

‘Yeah. Just what the Commonwealth needs. More destruction. We haven’t got anywhere near enough of that. Nick … Greet Amari from me. She might be a bit more open. Kalyna, four days, because you can’t make it sooner and I really hope you’ll come. I’ll be waiting.’

Ϡ

Goodneighbor was becoming awfully familiar to Kalyna, even though she’d only been there once before. She had taken the time in Fort Hagen to steal everything that seemed valuable and wasn’t nailed down. The first thing she did was sell what she didn’t need to Daisy and KL-E-0, then she walked to the Rexford and paid for her room herself this time. ‘You seem quite at home here,’ Nick said.

‘I was here with Deacon.’ She shook her head. ‘What’s his angle? I mean … when we were running from the behemoth, as he called it, he was intense. Of course he was. But that airship scared him. I mean … did you look at him? For a moment, he looked really frightened.’

‘With good reason.’ Nick ran his rubbery hand over his face. ‘We talked about the Institute. We didn’t cover the other players. You already know the Minutemen. There wasn’t much left of them, but if you work with them and try to make life better for the people of the Commonwealth, that could change. In a good way, at that. The Brotherhood of Steel, the people with the blimp, they’re a totally different bunch. They’ve sent a small recon team a while ago. So far, they’ve been squatting in the Cambridge police station, and they are not what I’d call good news. They’re supremacists. They fear everything they don’t understand. Ghouls, like Daisy, would be killed like ferals. They’d shoot me on sight, too. Super mutants aren’t known to be the chatty type, but there are exceptions even to that rule. It’s never as easy. For them, you’re either human, or you’re dead.’

‘What does that have to do with Deacon?’

‘With him and the Railroad. He told you they believe synths should be free. Well, the Brotherhood would disagree and wholesale slaughter the synths the Railroad helped escape along with their rescuers. The Institute keeps them as slaves. The Brotherhood would murder them indiscriminately. Make your pick which is better.’

‘Nick,’ Kalyna said slowly, walking up the stairs to her room to leave a few things there before going to the Memory Den, ‘can I trust Deacon?’

‘He isn’t out to hurt you. That I can tell you for certain. But other than that, you’ll have to make up your own mind.’

Kalyna swallowed. ‘I am frightened, Nick.’ She hadn’t admitted that to anyone and she wasn’t sure why she did it now. ‘For my poor baby, but also for myself. I don’t know how to survive here. I’m all alone and …’

‘Now wait a moment.’ Nick put his hands on her shoulders. ‘You’re not alone. Look. We’ll go and see Amari, and then it’s up to you. If you want me to stick around, I will.’

‘Why?’

A smile tugged at Nick’s lips. ‘Because I can. Don’t question everyone that isn’t trying to murder you. The Commonwealth is a mess. But some people aren’t that bad.’

‘Like you?’

‘I hope so. And you can count Deacon in there, too. A little healthy scepticism will keep you alive. But if your instinct is to trust someone, try and go with it. Kalyna?’

Her eyes had settled on the ghoul that had only just emerged from his room and she had gone rigid. ‘Oh my God. That’s … are you that Vault-Tec guy? The one who talked me into signing up for the vault a few days ago?’

‘Days?’ His voice was hoarse as he glared at her. ‘Days?’

‘I … Oh no. I was frozen. I missed the last two centuries. I am so, so sorry! I tried to tell them to let you in but these assholes … excuse me. These people wouldn’t budge. You ... how are you doing?’

‘What do you think? Take a good look. I’m useless. No-one needs someone with two centuries of Vault-Tec sales experience.’ There was a deep desperation in his voice. The Brotherhood would just kill him. Why anyone would see a threat in a man like him rather than someone in dire need of help was beyond her.

‘I do,’ she said resolutely. ‘Not Vault-Tec but selling stuff. I’ve got no idea of the economy here. I could use a hand. Someone to deal with traders for me, make sure I get sensible prices for what I buy and sell. You in?’

‘You’re … giving me a job?’

‘Is that … bad? I mean … I’d like you to go up to Sanctuary. I’ve got friends there. Tell Sturges I sent you. I’ll come visit, I promise.’

‘Really?’

‘Really.’

The smile on the ghoul’s face made up for every bruise, every narrowly missed shot aimed at her, even the behemoth. ‘Thank you. You have no idea.’

Kalyna watched him walk away and turned to Nick. ‘Let’s see that Amari.’

‘Yeah.’ The synth hesitated, and for a moment she worried that he somehow disapproved of what could easily be called naivety. ‘What you just did. That was a good thing.’

‘You think so?’

‘It’s what I meant earlier. Look with your heart. It’ll tell you a lot more than your eyes.’

‘Do you think I should go meet Deacon later?’

‘If you want to. He wants to hire you for his cause, you’ve got to be aware of that. If you think you can make it your cause, too, go and find him.’

‘Would you come with me?’

‘Gladly.’

‘And … I think when I get back to Diamond City I should give that Piper her interview.’ When he didn’t answer, she nudged him. ‘I was hoping for an opinion there.’

‘I think you’ll get entangled with the Institute in the none too distant future. Deeply. And for that you need allies. You certainly want Piper on your side. And I’m getting a feeling that you’ll want the Railroad, too.’


	5. We Live Where Darkness Hides

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _((This chapter heading is taken from the song_ This is the Hunt _by Ruelle. It’s the title song of the TV-series_ Shadowhunters _.))_

At first, Deacon was uneasy when he saw that not one but two figures approached him. Soon, however, he recognised Nick’s coat, and he couldn’t help smiling. Apparently Kalyna had found someone she trusted, and she’d chosen well. And she was here. He intercepted them before they could walk to the place he had told her. He’d done his first little bit of recon by himself, all he needed was to go back into the Switchboard. ‘Oi! Over here!’

The pair stopped, and Nick laughed when he saw him. ‘Ah, Deacon. You’re enjoying this way too much.’

Kalyna stared at him. ‘Oh my God. What are you _wearing_?’

Deacon gave her his most sinister look and spoke in a growl. ‘This is my turf. Get lost.’ He grinned. ‘You like the disguise?’

‘This isn’t a disguise. It’s a flea-ridden terror out of a nightmare. I hope you don’t smell the way you look in this.’

‘Ouch, woman, you sure know how to hurt me. Also, where we’re going, you won’t notice how I smell.’ He pointed towards their destination. ‘I’d rather not discuss what we’re doing out in the open. Let’s get inside and I’ll tell you what the deal is.’

The caution in Kalyna as they crawled through a barely visible tunnel was tangible. He stopped before going through the security door. They wouldn’t feel like talking in there, what with decaying corpses littering the place. Deacon’s pulse went through the roof at the thought. He tried to convince himself that he didn’t care about anyone too much, but the massacre had left him shaken. This would be hard. ‘Here’s the deal,’ he said, and to his relief, his voice was steady. ‘You’ve probably figured out what I was doing in the Old North Church, haven’t you?’

‘That’s where the Railroad is, I suppose.’

‘Yes. But it didn’t use to be there. We were here, under the Slocum Joe’s in a pre-war secret service facility. It had everything you could dream of: technology, security, clean air. We thought …’ He swallowed. ‘We didn’t expect an attack of such a scale. Those of us who escaped relocated to the Old North Church. The rest are still in there. While we cannot take care of their bodies, we can recover a prototype Carrington developed. And unless you’re very unlucky, a weapon for you. Now I’ve seen your style, I think it’ll suit you even better.’

‘What is in there?’ Kalyna asked. She looked wary. ‘How long ago …’

‘Long enough ago to be intensely unpleasant. That aside, the Institute left its synths here to wait for us. They’re machines, the ones in here, with no more consciousness than an assaultron.’

‘I talked to an assaultron in Goodneighbor. She is pretty damn conscious.’

Deacon smiled vaguely. ‘Oh God. Glory would kiss you for that. KL-E-0 is a bit of a weird one. I have no idea who hacked her and gave her a personality, but … these synths here … If it’s easier for you, think of them like you would of anyone else that shoots at you. Raiders or gangsters or anyone else out to kill you.’

‘I’ve got no problem with killing people before they kill me. But how do I know that you’re not using me to attack someone else who’s completely innocent?’

Deacon looked at her. ‘You don’t. And given that I don’t have a very close relationship with the truth, I wouldn’t blame you. I’m going in. I’d prefer if you – both of you – were with me.’

‘You’re not telling me everything.’

‘You’re a bit of a stranger. And like I said, I’m a liar. The less I tell you, the more truth you get.’

‘Oh, _please_. Not the liar’s paradox.’

Despite himself, despite the situation he was facing, Deacon laughed. It was odd. He realised he very rarely felt like it. ‘Fine, be that way. Now what is it going to be? Do I get the benefit of the doubt, or am I on my own?’

Kalyna looked at Nick, who was smiling serenely and absolutely not going to help her out of this. ‘A wise man told me to trust my gut. My gut says, I should go with you. Lead the way, liar.’

Ϡ

It wasn’t hard to notice that Deacon was one small thing away from being a train wreck. It had been her job to read people, to find their weaknesses and exploit them. With Deacon, it wouldn’t take much. The body of someone he had thought had survived, maybe. Or, she thought, if the prototype he looked for was gone. He pretended to be light-hearted, but when he opened the door to where he expected to find the prototype, whatever it was, she saw the tension in his stance, heard the minute change in pitch when he said ‘Open says me’, to the console. She also saw the strain bleeding out of him when his eyes fell on what looked like a stealth boy. He picked it up and looked at it as if it was the centre of the universe. Then his gaze travelled to her, and despite his sunglasses, she saw the mischief in the rest of his face. ‘You know what, you take this. Because I choose to trust you now. Once we’re outside, we take separate ways back to the HQ. The new one. You give this to Dez, and she’ll have to let you in.’

‘What will you do if I sell it instead?’

‘I will get dressed down. And I’ll probably become completely paranoid. But I have a feeling you won’t let it come to that. You’re not going to let me down here.’ He handed her the prototype. ‘Here. Come to the Old North Church. If any ghouls didn’t come after you the first time, try shooting. Go further in, I’m sure you’ll find where just fine, and open the door. It’s painfully easy. If you’re in doubt, check the plate at the entrance to the church.’

Nick clicked his tongue. ‘Or I’ll just tell her the stupid code you picked.’

‘We have no choice, Nick. It’s either that or fall into insignificance.’

‘I know. I’m just saying.’

‘Another thing. If you don’t have one, grab a hazmat suit from the other room. They tend to come in handy. Oh, and, here’s the weapon I promised you. It doesn’t look like much, but it’s accurate, powerful and very quiet. It’s called the Deliverer. Take it. It is yours.’

‘I don’t … Thank you, Deacon.’

‘If I may ask, how did your trip to Amari go?’

‘I have to go to the Glowing Sea. But I … don’t think I’m ready for that.’

‘Who’s ever ready for that?’ Deacon frowned slightly. ‘If Dez lets you join – and I don’t have much doubt about that – come talk to me. I’d like to make a proposal. You promise?’

Kalyna smiled at him. ‘I promise. See you there, Deacon.’

Ϡ

In the Old North Church, the ghouls were still in place. Apparently no-one had bothered to clear away the corpses. Nick noted their position under the gallery. ‘I may have fled up there,’ Kalyna told him. ‘Deacon shot them. He must have thought I’m completely useless.’

‘Well, he sure changed his mind about that.’

‘Should we … you know, get rid of the bodies?’

‘Ghouls don’t rot that fast. The smell won’t be a problem, but the sight of them here is off-putting. It’ll stop people just wandering in. Leave them.’

‘What did Deacon mean by a painfully easy door?’ Kalyna asked. She spotted a lantern drawn on a collapsed part of the church. Underneath and behind it, there was a path. Another dead ghoul lay in it.

‘You’ll see. It’s a mechanism that you can use to spell a password. I’ll spare you the trouble of figuring it out. It’s “Railroad”.’

‘No. They didn’t.’

‘I’m afraid they did. If you’d come here the way they intend, you’d have followed the Freedom Trail. The stations tell you the password as you go. They’re really desperate.’

‘You like them, don’t you?’

‘I like the idea of someone being willing to help my kind. There’s few people who’d do that, and each one that does, risking their own skin, is a reason for hope.’

‘What … are the rest of them like?’ They’d reached the huge wheel. Kalyna found that it was easy to turn. A button in the centre let her spell out the code. Such as it was.

‘I’m afraid I don’t know a lot of them personally. The guy you meet most frequently is Deacon. Until she became the leader, Desdemona occasionally came to me for information. I’ve run into Glory, once, too. You’re going to like those two, I think. The rest … they live in the shadows, Kalyna. The Railroad is a whisper in Diamond City, a myth that is believed to be an urban legend by many people. You’ve got to understand that they weren’t found by their future agents. They found them. That they advertise like this … I understand the need, but I don’t like it. It’s a catastrophe waiting to happen. And then, they’ll be finished. You saw the Switchboard. There can only be a handful left. Deacon doesn’t trust you. He’s desperate. They all are.’

Nick’s words helped Kalyna stomach the fact that past the door, she was faced by four people, three of them armed to the teeth. The last one was Deacon, gesturing and talking quietly to the woman in the centre. Kalyna ignored the minigun pointed at her and listened to Deacon rambling about how heroic she had been. The red-haired woman Deacon had addressed as Dez – for Kalyna’s benefit, she was sure – looked at her and obviously found her wanting. ‘Deacon says you singlehandedly killed a hundred synths and carried him out.’

Kalyna blinked. ‘The only way I could carry Deacon is if I chop him up first.’ She wanted to kick herself for her quick mouth, but she heard Deacon burst into laughter and saw the minigun-wielding BAMF behind Dez roll her eyes and smirk.

‘That’s what I thought. But …’

‘But I do have your prototype,’ Kalyna said quickly and handed her the thing. ‘I … am sorry for your loss, if that’s worth anything.’

‘It doesn’t bring back the dead, but it is appreciated.’ Dez was in the process of pocketing the prototype, but stopped in mid-motion. ‘Look. Has Deacon told you that we need capable people?’

‘He has. And I would like to help.’

‘This does go both ways,’ Deacon said. ‘We’ll do what we can to find your son. The Institute took her kid, Dez.’

‘That … isn’t as surprising to me as it may have been to you. They do that. They kidnap people. Children however … that’s a new low.’ She pressed the prototype back into Kalyna’s hands. ‘Deacon here is quite enthusiastic about you, you know. But what should we call you?’

‘Before you give her your real name, we use aliases. It’s bad enough I know who you are.’

‘Uh. Can I think about that a bit?’

‘I’d rather you pick something now,’ Dez told her.

Kalyna almost said _Wraith_. None of them would ever know it was only a translation of her last name. Then she smiled. ‘In that case, call me Whisper.’

‘Welcome to the Railroad, Whisper. Doctor Carrington is waiting for this, and I think you should be the one to do the honours. This way please.’

 

 


	6. Walk Unafraid

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _((Chapter heading is the title of a song by R.E.M.))_

For the first time since she’d found Dogmeat, Kalyna was on her own. Much to their shared dismay, she had sent both Deacon and Nick ahead to Sanctuary. She needed to think. She needed to come to terms with the fact that her baby was no longer a baby at all. And that Nate was truly gone. It had taken her until now to realise that. Strangely, it didn’t break her, like she had feared. She had struggled, every moment a drowning sensation, every morning a new torture, before. Now, she wondered if she was going mad. Thinking back to her former life was starting to feel surreal, as if it was someone else’s dream. She was in the ruins of Boston, her house was all but destroyed, and what was waiting for her instead was little more than a shack she had built together with her Minutemen. Kalyna Mara, the lawyer, had never thought she could kill anyone, had never touched anything to do with construction, had known no greater worry than that she was out of milk when the nearest market was closed at the moment. Kalyna ‘Whisper’ Mara, the sole survivor of Vault 111, shot raiders and deathclaws, chatted with ghouls, and was making friends with spies that took pride in lying all the time. The two had very little in common.

Now that she was no longer hysterical, Kalyna decided to take a look at the radio stations. She had marked Diamond City on the map, the coast looked clear enough for the time being, and she wondered what sort of music people listened to these days. She found the classical radio and liked it instantly; she found Diamond City Radio and fled after the speaker had stuttered the third time in half a sentence; and she found Trinity Tower Radio. The voice came out with a lot of static. ‘…ing held prisoner at the top of Trinity Tower. I think the super mutants plan on eating me soon. I’m setting this to repeat. Oh shit! Gotta sign off, one of the super mutants is coming!’

‘Oh God.’ The message started over, twice, three times. She had no way of knowing if the person that had set it up was even still alive. She thought of what Deacon and Nick would say. Well, they wouldn’t want her going alone, but there was no-one else there. ‘Lesson learned. Next time, I’m keeping one of you guys around … and I will _not_ start talking to myself.’

Kalyna turned off the radio and stared at her surroundings. If she looked close enough, she could tell where she was. Of course, Boston didn’t look like it had, but the signs were still there. She could find Trinity Tower all right. ‘Чорт забирай. Чертовски ідіот, для чого попався так?’ She closed her eyes. ‘Still talking to myself. Oh God. I’m getting fruitier than a nutcake. No, the other way round. What are you staring at, eh?’ The last bit was directed at a caravan hand who scrammed quickly.

Trinity Tower still stood tall. Broken, yes, and probably hazardous, but it stood. Kalyna looked at the Deliverer. Deacon had given her a lot of ammunition, but thinking of the super mutants made her wonder if this little thing would do her any good. Crouching low, she glanced inside. There were two here and an abomination of a dog. There had to be more, further up. She also had a shotgun she’d taken off a raider. The revolver she’d returned to Deacon, as well as the small handgun he’d bought for her in Goodneighbor.

Kalyna had to be careful here. She didn’t have many rounds for the shotgun. She had ample ammunition for the Deliverer. If she could take out some without being seen, she might even manage to do this.

Ϡ

Later, much later, when anyone asked her about it, Kalyna would say she had survived the madness she had started out of pure spite. She’d made her way up, had found a trapped man who had tried to teach the mutants Shakespeare (she always doubted anyone would believe that; even she barely did), and a mutant, captured with the man. The only one who had listened to Goodman. Not that he’d understood a word the man said, but at least he wasn’t trying to eat him or Kalyna, and wanted to follow her. She sent him ahead to Sanctuary, too, and hoped her people wouldn’t shoot him on sight.

She reached Diamond City soaked in blood and later Sanctuary in borrowed things from Piper, who had accompanied her after that interview. Strong, her mutant, was already waiting there, and predictably, Deacon and Nick were worried. Well. Nick was worried. Deacon was furious. ‘Do you have a death wish?’ he asked the moment she arrived. ‘Did that super mutant tell the truth? That you stole him from under his brothers?’

‘Kind of.’

‘Whisper, you have a kid out there. He needs you alive, not in the gut of a monster! How can you be so reckless? If I’d had any kids back when …’ He fell silent as if he choked on his own words and turned away.

Kalyna glared at him. ‘Back the hell off. I’m really not in the mood.’ She pushed past him and towards her house. The crops beside it looked better than they had when she’d left them and someone had written _Kalyna Mara_ on the wall with green neon letters. Despite herself, she smiled at that.

‘Hey, Whisper.’

She stopped and counted to then. ‘What?’

‘I … I’m sorry. I was out of line.’

‘Damn. You’ve got the kind of face I can’t be mad at.’ She gestured to him to enter. ‘Welcome to my shoe carton.’ She lit a few candles on the table for lack of electric lights. One more thing for her to do.

‘Looks like it can withstand a radstorm. That’s more than can be said of some of the other houses here.’ He looked awkward when he sat on her couch.

‘Do you have kids, Deacon?’

He watched her intently as she sat down. ‘No. No, Whisper. I’m a synth. We can’t have kids of our own.’

Kalyna blinked. ‘What? Oh.’

‘Me and Glory and a few others. That … actually makes it easier for us. We don’t have a family that can be endangered by what we do.’ He stood and fished a cigarette pack out of her bag. Instead of helping himself to a cigarette, he tore off the top, grabbed a pencil and wrote something on it. ‘Incidentally. Synths have a recall code. It resets us to faculty settings, wipes out all that we are. If I … should get out of control somehow, you should use it.’ He had folded the thick paper and passed her the scrap.

Kalyna stared at it. She nodded slowly, walked over to her candles, and burned it. ‘Not going to happen.’ She swallowed drily. ‘At least it looks like we’re not going to starve after all. Someone here has a hand for plants, it seems.’

‘That … would have been me. They were planted way too close together, I tried to rectify that while you were frolicking with your mutants. And I told your settlers how much to water what, what grows well where, and stuff like that.’

‘How do you know that?’

‘I’ve picked up my share of knowledge and then some. And Nick did the letters above your door. Preston wants to hang a minutemen-flag. I said he should check with you first.’

‘Tell him to knock himself out.’ She looked at Deacon. ‘I want to bury my husband. Would you help me?’

She could see plainly that Deacon wanted to say no. But after a few moments, he nodded slowly. ‘I’ll help you. Of course.’

Ϡ

Nick had joined them, too. The synth was a lot more supportive, at least more obviously than Deacon. But for a moment, down in the vault, he stood next to Nate’s cryopod at an angle, and she’d seen his eyes reflected. Not long or well enough to know their colour, but enough to see a haunted look that spoke more clearly than anything he could have said. The two men helped her dig a grave that would be deep enough, and somehow, the action gave her a closure she had lacked so far. At least after sobbing uncontrollably into Nick’s shoulder.

Afterwards, Kalyna walked to the bridge and out of the settlement and off to the right. She climbed up the rocks there and looked at Sanctuary from there. She saw the sheen of a campfire behind the house where Sturges had his workbench. In the waning light, it gained in intensity and the glow cast everything in a light that was almost idyllic, as if the world was actually worth fighting for. She watched a figure approach and couldn’t help smiling. ‘Deacon! Up here.’

The man waved at her and joined her. ‘Hi. Just making sure no-one’s eating you.’

‘Nope. Not yet. I think I owe you an apology.’

‘Not that I know of.’

‘For two things. First, for thinking that you wanted to … I don’t know. Seduce me, if I was lucky. Something worse if I was not.’

‘You can never be careful enough, Whisper.’ He licked his lips. ‘Truth is, I’m generally not that interested in people that way. Most of the time, I’m about as threatening to a person’s virtue as Nick.’

‘For some wild reason, I believe that.’

‘What is the other thing you want to apologise for?’

‘Ah, that. For what I’m going to tell you now. I don’t believe what you said earlier. You’re not a synth.’

‘What makes you think that?’

‘When you yelled at me, you said “If I’d had any kids”. You also said synths can’t reproduce. So that makes no sense, because you implied that at one point you might have had kids.’

Deacon chuckled. ‘You’re more observant than I like. You’re right, synths don’t get kids. But many synths don’t know what they are. But,’ he raised his hand when she wanted to interrupt, ‘you got me. I’m not a synth. Maybe I’m just a normal guy with a family out there he wants to protect. But then again, maybe not.’ He said the last two words in a robot-like voice, and Kalyna punched his shoulder lightly.

‘You’re an ass.’

‘What I wrote on that paper is true, though. You can’t trust everyone. People do get replaced by synths. Telling one from the other … well, let’s just say, it’s not easy. Sometimes impossible.’

‘You’re still an ass.’

‘Is that what you said to me in whatever language you spewed out in the church?’

Kalyna grinned. ‘Ah. I thought you bought my translation. I may have called you a son of a bitch. And it was Ukrainian.’

‘Are you from there?’

‘No. From Canada but born into the Ukrainian community there. It’s … no, hell, it was quite large.’

Deacon bit at his lower lip. Then he spoke quietly, as if lost in himself.

‘If you hear in the night at your window it seems

‘Something weeping and mournfully sighing,

‘Do not wake in alarm, do not rouse from your dreams,

‘Do not run, dear, to see who is crying!

‘It is not an orphan who, desolate, roams,

‘No starveling, dear, troubles your sleeping.

‘It is my heart that despairingly moans,

‘It is my love that is weeping.’

Kalyna had almost stopped breathing. ‘Of all the things,’ she said, her voice low, ‘I’d have expected you to do, quoting Franko at me is very low on the list. How the hell do you even know that?’

‘I told you, I like to read.’

‘Clearly. That … wow. You’re not real. You just can’t be real.’

‘Can you teach me? The language, I mean.’

‘Why on earth would you want that?’

Deacon leaned forwards with a shit-eating grin on his face, and the spell he had woven broke. ‘Simple. Practically no-one speaks a foreign language. In a battle, you could holler instructions and I’d be the only one who understands them.’

‘Sure. I’ll teach you. God. Nate wouldn’t even let me speak to Shaun in Ukrainian. He didn’t want us to have a secret language, and he had no interest in learning it.’

Deacon opened his mouth and closed it again. ‘But I do. Lessons start tomorrow?’

Kalyna couldn’t help laugh at his eagerness. ‘Yeah. Why the hell not?’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _((What Kalyna said in the first chapter would read /Suchyy synu/. Here, she says /Chort zabyray. Chertovsky idiot, dля choho popavsya tak?/, which translates to, ‘Damn it. Bloody idiot, what did he get caught for like that?’  
>  The poem Deacon recites is taken from the cycle _Withered Leaves _by Ivan Franko._


	7. Far Away From the Nothing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _((For once, there’s a scrap of dialogue in here that is an actual quote. And this did happen in a similar form to me. Which is my fault because I forgot to crouch.  
>  My chapter heading is a line from _Kill the Light _by Lacuna Coil. This was very hard, I found several names that would have been downright evil.))_

The next few weeks went by in a haze. Kalyna travelled more than she had in all her life. She found another vault, she returned to Goodneighbor and hired a mercenary. She got herself entangled into an attempt to rob the mayor and ended up with him following her to Sanctuary when she refused to go through with it. She found a crazy serial killer who thought he and she were the same. He didn’t survive that notion.

And then, at last, she decided to visit the Brotherhood of Steel. She didn’t particularly want to, but she had little choice. Deacon wasn’t very happy about it, but he understood her reasoning. Kalyna would have to go to the Glowing Sea. To do so, she needed power armour. She had one set. But she really didn’t want to go alone. And Nick could insist the radiation didn’t affect him as much as he wanted, Kalyna wasn’t too sure. He certainly didn’t look like someone who took good care of himself, and Deacon couldn’t tell her for certain, either. The Gen-3s suffered severely, he’d said, and could die of radiation. The normal Gen-2s wouldn’t be affected, but with Nick, he wouldn’t bet his head.

The other argument that Deacon brought into the discourse himself was that there were _things_ in the Glowing Sea. Deathclaws were pretty common, and so were radscorpions. Kalyna had never heard of those, but it wasn’t too hard to imagine them.

All in all, these were good reasons for her to get a second set of power armour. And if she had to make nice to the Brotherhood of Steel to get protection for her synth friend, the laugh was on them, really. Despite his admission that her arguments were sound, Deacon still didn’t like it, proving what Nick had told her: He didn’t truly trust her. He’d wanted her to join because the Railroad was trapped between a rock and a hard place.

In the end, Kalyna went to see them without Deacon or Nick. Instead, she asked Curie to go with her. After all, the robot wanted to see the world. And there was a chance she wouldn’t have the strong aversion to the self-proclaimed protectors of humanity that the two men had.

Leaving the pair of them in Sanctuary gave Kalyna the option to put on so many layers of pretentiousness she wondered how she pulled it off without laughing or vomiting. The Brotherhood oozed self-righteousness, but she yes-sir-ed her way up to their ridiculous airship called the Prydwen. She saluted to Maxson who was full to bursting with conviction. And she took two trophies with her. One was a set of power armour. And one was Paladin Danse.

When she arrived at Sanctuary with him in tow, she saw the shock on Deacon’s face, but Nick pulled him aside. She made a mental note to thank him for his trust. She wasn’t going to manage any of this without a friend, and Nick … Nick had turned into the one person she knew she could absolutely rely on.

So after another couple of weeks, Danse had taught her how to modify the power armour, and all of a sudden, she was good to go. Both the Railroad and the Brotherhood of Steel wanted her to work for them, and Preston Garvey wanted to retake a base the Minutemen used to have way back when, but right now, none of that mattered. What mattered was Shaun. And her way to Shaun went right to where the bomb had fallen.

Ϡ

The trek to the Glowing Sea was exhausting. Walking in power armour for a long time was not a fun thing to do. Kalyna had asked Danse to give her visor the ability to highlight potential targets, and that, obviously worked on everything that wasn’t dead. Including Nick. The red glow he gave off jump-scared her several times before she got used to it. Not that she regretted having that feature added. It would probably come in handy.

The one thing that made the matter bearable was, once again, Nick. While he had refused to wear the second set of armour after all, he seemed to be in good spirits. Kalyna had given him her shotgun. She had the Deliverer and a rather interesting minigun, and that would be more than enough. Right now, they were up on an elevated piece of rock, had killed a radscorpion (yes, her mental image had been pretty damn accurate), and below them, there was a settlement. ‘What are those?’ Kalyna asked.

‘People,’ Nick said. ‘And my guess is, they’re the Children of Atom. They worship the bomb, or something, think it’s divine.’

‘Oh. Yeah. What else.’

‘They seem to think it’s a good thing. They’re a little out there.’

‘Fanatics are always out there. Take Danse and his Brotherhood.’

‘Huh. Funny, I feel like I shouldn’t be badmouthing them too much when you’re stuck in one of their contraptions.’

‘I doubt it will report back to them. Hang on. You think they bugged this thing?’

Nick chuckled. ‘I wouldn’t put it past them. Neither would Deacon. He took a look but didn’t find anything. Speaking of which, I notice that you didn’t call him a fanatic.’

‘I don’t think he qualifies. He’s just a guy who wants to help.’

‘Well. But those down there … The sad news is, if anyone in the Glowing Sea is capable of giving you directions, they’re your best bet.’

‘I don’t want to talk to them. They sound crazy.’

Nick walked past her, towards them, regardless. ‘In the Commonwealth, you can’t be picky who you get your intel from. Come on. They won’t bite you. And if they try, bite back. Fahrenheit did give you that nice little minigun. I’m sure it’s pretty impressive.’

The Children of Atom pointed them to a cave. In front of it, a large, red shape blossomed as they got closer. ‘Nick. There’s a deathclaw at the entrance. I don’t think it’s awake.’ Her voice was soft, but even through the armour’s distortion, Kalyna heard her own fear.

‘Isn’t there a saying, never wake a sleeping deathclaw?’ he asked. ‘It’s a bit away from the cave. If we’re careful, it might not notice.’

‘And if it does?’

‘You’ve killed one before. You can do it again.’

‘I’d rather not. Let’s try and sneak past.’

The good thing was that the creature was snoring. It kept her from panicking. As long as it snored, it wasn’t attacking. The moment they were in the cave and Kalyna’s Geiger counter calmed down, she ditched the power armour. It felt incredible just to be able to stretch her limbs. Coming face to face with a super mutant might be a bit off-putting, but said mutant was unusual. More so than Strong, even. He gave her the information she needed in return for a promise for help. Killing a courser and removing a chip from his brain sounded simple if gory, compared to getting herself into this cave of Virgil’s in one piece. But then there was the fact that even the mutant seemed to fear those particular synths. Kalyna pushed the thought away. She had no choice. She never did, it seemed.

Before heading out, Nick sighed. ‘I get the sense whoever named this place didn’t have a firm grasp on the meaning of the word “sea”.’

Kalyna nudged him. ‘Probably got so irradiated here that they thought they’re trudging through water. Come on. I want to go home. You can tell me who I should take courser-hunting.’

‘Huh. Danse, out of the top of my head. Now, let’s get out of here.’

They left Virgil’s cave, and Kalyna’s mind wandered back to Sanctuary and the people there. She’d ask Deacon to plant a few more tatos. He seemed to have a hand for crops in the widest sense, after all. ‘Not to make you nervous,’ Nick said softly, ‘but don’t you think that it’s awfully quiet?’

For a moment, she wasn’t sure what he meant. Then the absence of snoring struck her. She grabbed her Minigun and flung out an arm to hold Nick back. ‘Get in that cave now,’ she barked.

Next to her, she heard the click of a shotgun being loaded. ‘In your dreams, kid.’

Whatever argument she had was drowned by a roar followed by the thunder of a heavy creature landing in front of her. It must have walked above the cave, and now it was in their faces. The shotgun bellowed, the sound almost unbearably loud, and slowly, awfully slowly, her minigun came to life.

A scaled leg caught her in the middle and flung her back into the rock. Without the armour, she’d be dead, but even so she was winded. When she gathered herself, the creature had picked up Nick and tossed him back into Virgil’s cave. She saw that the deathclaw limped when it moved and aimed low, hoping to shoot out the monstrosity’s legs from under it, praying that Nick was all right.

With a scream, the deathclaw toppled over, and holding her gun as steady as she could, Kalyna screamed right back at it. Whatever fear she’d had for her own life was gone, leaving blind rage that had her approach until the beast stopped moving. Securing the minigun on the back of her armour, Kalyna stumbled back into the cave. Nick was on the ground, and he wasn’t giving any sign that he was alive. Her legs gave under her, and with a thud, Kalyna landed on her knees. ‘Nick. Nick, talk to me. Damn it, you idiot, why didn’t you do what I told you?’ She hadn’t expected a response and she didn’t get one, either. Gently, Kalyna picked him up, making sure he was in one piece. She stepped out of the cave. And then she started running as if the hounds of hell were after her.

Ϡ

Kalyna reached Goodneighbor after she’d burnt through several fusion cores in her mad race. She had no idea how long it had taken her. She’d fallen asleep in the power armour with exhaustion as she leaned against a dead tree to catch her breath. She’d jerked awake and continued, forcing her burning muscles to move, ignoring the chafing on her legs, ignoring the fact that she hadn’t eaten since they’d fought the deathclaw. She all but fell into the Memory Den, set Nick down in Amari’s basement, and got out of the power armour. She was going to tell Amari what had happened. But before she could do so, the doctor had approached her, steered her to one of the loungers, and given her an injection of some unknown substance.

Kalyna blinked awake in the artificial light. She jerked upright and cast about. ‘Easy there,’ Amari said. ‘You nearly killed yourself, you know that? There, eat something.’

‘Nick …’

‘Is fine. He’s not a human, you know, you didn’t have to run like that.’

‘I thought …’

‘We know what you thought. While it was very noble … and I’m not being sarcastic here, I really like what you did for him, but it wasn’t necessary. If you had come three days later but not on the verge of collapsing, I’d have had only one patient.’

‘What was wrong with him?’

‘Impact snapped his spine in his neck. Irreparable in a human, but fortunately not in a synth of his making. He’s expecting you to give him a hard time because he didn’t want to wear power armour. Eat, for God’s sake.’

Kalyna looked at the Brahmin steak Amari had placed on a small table in front of her. ‘Thanks. I’m just glad he’s alive.’

‘I want you to finish this. Come upstairs when you’re done. All the way up, not just into the entrance hall. Nick’s going to be delighted to see you up and about.’ A small smile formed on her face. ‘Not many people would have done what you did for a synth. I’ll make it known to the right people.’

‘You mean … whom exactly?’

Amari tutted. ‘We both know whom I mean.’

Kalyna grabbed her by the sleeve. ‘Where is your Geiger counter?’ she demanded, remembering the countersign Carrington had taught her.

‘Why, mine is in the shop.’

Kalyna released her. ‘Sorry. I had to be sure.’

‘Of course. I like how fast you come to our mutual friends’ defence. Now eat, before I tie you down and force-feed you.’

 

 


	8. Ecce homo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _((Somehow my chapter heading became biblical. It’s taken from the Gospel of John.))_

‘This was good,’ Kalyna said, handing Deacon his paper. ‘Only one error that … well. Here, that’s the vocative. You wanted the locative. Otherwise you’re talking to the table directly.’

‘I do that,’ Deacon said. ‘I talk to furniture a lot. As in, oh, broken chair, why did you have to collapse under me.’

‘As if you’d collapse a chair.’

‘Depends on its structural integrity.’ He skimmed her notes. ‘I didn’t think I’d manage to learn anything, you know. I’m not exactly the ideal age for a second language.’

‘True, seeing how you’re not five. But you’re brilliant. And you want to do it.’

‘So will I be able to read _War and Peace_ in the original, or are the languages too different?’

‘Are you telling me you’ve read that monster?’

‘In English. And yes.’

‘Aside from the question why anyone would ever want to do that to themselves in any language … Let me answer with a counter question. Can you read complicated Dutch texts? But you can read _Borislav is Laughing_ by Franko. And a lot of other things, if you can find them.’

‘That’s going to be the problem. Hey, maybe we can find a little ethnic bookstore and loot it.’

‘You think we could ask a courser for the way? Because I’ve got to kill one of those.’

Deacon’s eyes widened. ‘You want to do _what_?’

‘You heard me.’ Kalyna rubbed the bridge of her nose. ‘I’ve learned that in the Glowing Sea. And Nick thinks that Danse would be the one best suited to help me, but I just don’t trust him enough. I’ve been agonising over that since we’ve come back, but I’m no closer to deciding than I was when I first thought about it.’

Deacon leaned forwards. ‘You do trust me enough?’

‘Yes. But I understand that coursers are dangerous. So if you’d rather stay here …’

‘And mind your crops? Look, I get that I’m one of the few here with at least some clue about farming, but this isn’t what I came with you for. I want to help you. Of course I want to help you. But we have to be very careful. Coursers … coursers aren’t someone you normally pick a fight with.’

‘What can they do, Deacon?’

‘They can kill. They can use stealth. And they’re extremely resilient.’

Kalyna gave a wry smile. ‘Well. If they burn, their stealth isn’t going to help them much.’

Deacon snorted. ‘True.’ He shrugged. ‘Very well. Let’s go hunt ourselves a courser.’

Ϡ

Deacon had seen his share of violence. He knew now that he’d never get used to it, but he understood the necessity. He also thought he could stomach it by now. But when Kalyna cracked open the courser’s skull with a few well-placed bullets and dug in his brain for the chip, he knew that he’d been dead wrong. He turned away, forcing himself not to gag.

He heard Kalyna retch behind him and gave a choked laugh. ‘Find anything? Try not to throw up. If you do, so will I.’

‘I’ve got the damn chip. Let’s get out of here.’ She hesitated. ‘Do you think Jenny’s going to be all right?’

‘I hope so. But we can’t force her to accept our help. Whoever helped her escape gave her instructions to be careful, and she’s right not to trust us blindly … God, what a mess.’ He’d made the mistake to look at what was left of the courser’s head. ‘Chip’s intact?’

‘I guess. Deacon, let’s get out of here. If I look at that brain once more I’m really going to be sick.’

‘I’m still trying to get past the fact that the woman who had fled from a handful of ferals just butchered a courser. You know, my judgement is normally good, but I had you so damn wrong. Anyway, let’s get that chip to Dez. She’s going to love this.’

Ϡ

Deacon’s assessment was correct. The entirety of HQ was brimful with awe. Tinker Tom took the chip from her and vanished at his terminal. The only one who didn’t seem excited was Carrington. When Deacon called him out on that, to Kalyna’s dismay, the doctor glared at him. ‘This is hardly our only problem. We’ve picked up a dead drop for Stockton and he’s got a package he can’t keep holding on to. Only Glory’s not available right now because she’s helping with another package. I don’t know if you noticed, but we’re shorthanded here.’

‘What about me, then?’ Kalyna shrugged. ‘I’m available. What do you need?’

‘I need you to go to Cambridge church at night. Stockton will bring a package that needs delivering. You’ll learn more there.’

Somehow, it felt as if Kalyna had slipped into a very weird novel. Someone – Stockton, she assumed – brought a very frightened synth to the church in the middle of the night. The poor soul hardly dared to talk to her, and with good reason. If he spoke the way he did to anyone that wasn’t with the Railroad or at least sympathetic, he was dead.

They also met a man who called himself High Rise. Before he could enter the church, she stalled him and gave him the countersign. When she looked back at Deacon, she saw him nod at her.

Getting the fugitive to High Rise’s safehouse wasn’t that much of a problem, despite a group of raiders trying to get in their way. She and Deacon worked together well, and High Rise kept the synth out of trouble. They were invited in, and Kalyna took a good look around.

Somehow, it was shocking. A few agents were there, as well as synths. She heard that the Railroad hadn’t just lost most of their people, but the Institute had attacked safehouses as well. And the synths … most of them, like the one they had just delivered, were frightened out of their minds. Kalyna wondered aloud how they could ever survive a single day without being found out.

‘They can use the time here to collect themselves,’ a familiar voice said from the entrance. Kalyna turned and saw Glory with none other than Jenny in tow. ‘They also get a new face, a real name, and new memories.’

‘New memories? Meaning they’re no longer who they were?’

Glory shook her head. ‘That last is optional. I for one wanted to remember every nasty little bit that wasn’t wiped just by leaving.’ She smirked. ‘You think we free people just to keep forcing them to do something against their will?’

Kalyna felt sheepish. ‘No. That wouldn’t make sense. Oh, and hi, Jenny.’

‘You know each other?’

‘Oh, we’ve met,’ Deacon said casually. ‘When Whisper killed the courser that was after her.’

‘You did that? Wow. Impressive. No need to look so desperate.’

‘I just …’ She swallowed. ‘Until now, I just didn’t get it.’

Glory handed Jenny to another agent and walked Kalyna to another room. ‘Okay. Talk to us, Whisper.’

‘It’s okay, I’m not bloody falling apart. I knew that using synths as slaves can’t be right. But what I didn’t get was how scared they are and how viciously they’re hunted. Not until I met the courser and Jenny and now H2-22. I knew you were putting yourselves at risk, but I honestly didn’t realise how necessary that is.’

‘Well, maybe now you understand why some of us can get a bit intense. Or why Deacon is so careful. We have picked a powerful enemy.’

‘Well, someone had to!’

‘Just so. And I’m glad you’re on our side. You couldn’t have arrived at a better time. So, are you all right?’

‘I’m good, Glory. Thanks. It’s just a lot to process.’

‘Process away. Ticon is a good place for processing.’

‘Glory, can you give us a moment, please?’ The synth nodded at Deacon and walked out. ‘It’s like this, Whisper. I think you deserve to learn the big secret.’

She gave him a guarded look. ‘Oh, for God’s sake.’

‘Everyone thinks that Dez runs the Railroad. But the truth is, it’s all my show. Has been since I founded it, some … what? Seventy years ago? I don’t even know anymore.’

‘You founded the Railroad. Yeah.’

‘Me and Johnny D and Watts. I told you before that I put myself under the knife occasionally to get a face change. Takes a lot to keep this mug handsome.’

‘More or less.’

‘Ouch! There you go again, breaking my heart. But the point is, we’re about more than saving synths. We’re the last defence between the Institute and the people in the Commonwealth.’

‘Deacon. You told me you’re 39, and that was a lot more believable. You didn’t found anything seventy years ago. Hell, there’s a chance your parents weren’t even planned back then.’ She made a dismissive gesture when he wanted to argue. ‘I’m really not in the mood for your miniature mindfuck. This isn’t the time.’

‘Whisper, please. You’re right. Of course you’re right. But it’s not just me. You spent a lot of time with the Brotherhood to get yourself onto their ship. You’re going to go to the Institute, and make no mistake, they’re not going to try and kill you. At least I hope so. They all, hell, us too, we want you on our side. You’ll have to make a choice. Just … make sure it’s the right one.’

‘Damn it, Deacon, I wish I could be mad at you.’

He shrugged. ‘I just have such a winning personality.’

‘I’m going to punch your winning face if you don’t quit trying to bullshit me. Come on. I’ve got to go and light a fire under Tinker Tom.’

 

 


	9. At the Crossroads

Deacon’s ominous statement came true not too much later. Kalyna had to return to Virgil, and from him, she got the schematics for a molecular relay that would teleport her to the Institute. Deacon insisted that Tinker Tom could build it, and she was tempted to believe that was the case. She was also sure that the Brotherhood of Steel was capable, or even the Minutemen. But whoever she worked for would want something in return: to infiltrate the Institute, to turn spy for them. Her choice was who to do it for.

Her own mind pulled her in several directions. The Brotherhood would probably build the safest relay. The Railroad was in the most dire need. And the Minutemen … the thing was, they were _hers_ and not the other way around.

Kalyna found Sturges at the workbench. She tapped his shoulder and passed him Virgil’s notes. He blinked at the handwriting. ‘Is this for real? This is pretty crazy.’

‘It’s real, Sturges. It’ll get me into the Institute.’

‘I mean … It looks ingenious. That, or insane.’ He looked up at her. ‘You need space. And several things … but wait.’ He started digging in a box by the workbench. ‘Yes. Yes. That, too. You’ve brought back so much crazy tech I don’t need much else.’ He tapped the notes with a finger. ‘This is going to take me some time. You can build the Stabilised Reflector Platform … this, there’s the schematics … in the meantime. You need a wide enough open space. Ideally on even ground. Like one of the torn down houses’ foundations.’

‘Good. Thanks. And don’t tell Deacon I asked you.’

‘That platform is going to be pretty hard to hide.’

Kalyna grinned at him. ‘I don’t plan to hide it, I just have to be the one telling him.’

Sturges scratched his head. ‘Oh. Of course. Now I’ll need a bit to make anything of this scrawl.’

‘Point taken. I’m getting out of your hair.’

Ϡ

Kalyna found Deacon in the house across from hers. He’d claimed a space in there for himself, a small room she’d put a single bed, a tiny desk, and a chair in when she’d first started furnishing rooms for settlers. Somehow she had a feeling he slept with a knife under his pillow, but she resisted the temptation to check. ‘Deacon? I’ve got to talk to you.’

‘You look like it’s bad news.’

‘Depends. I just asked Sturges to build the teleporter.’

‘And now you think I’ll do what? Yell at you? Weep a little?’ He shook his head. ‘Hey, no worries.’

‘I just want to tell you why. I know I don’t have to, but I want to.’ She sat on the edge of his bed. ‘You said I have to make a decision. Deacon, I don’t want to. I love you guys. I think what you do is great and necessary and I’ll help you out here as much as I can. But … this is about my kid. It always was. And if I go and work for you in there, too, I’ll get side-tracked.’

‘And don’t think for a second I don’t understand you, Whisper.’

‘Do you?’

‘Of course. And in a way … how should I say that. If you were going to betray us, you’d have pretended to do this for us.’

‘So in essence, you still don’t trust me.’

‘That’s too harsh. You see, you have us by the balls. Now I don’t mind much, but … Oh, boy, that came out so wrong. Stop grinning!’ He smiled. ‘What I was trying to say is, you have a lot of power over us, so mistrusting you would be a bit of a problem. And I’m not disappointed or angry. I get it.’ He looked at her over the rim of his shades. It was the first time she really saw his eyes. They were bright blue and gentle and made her throat go tight with something she didn’t want to consider. ‘Kalyna. Don’t worry. It will be fine. You will find your son, and if you can find intel, too, that’s wonderful. But of course this is about your kid. I wouldn’t believe you if you told me anything else.’

Ϡ

Deacon’s knees were weak. Standing on top of the C.I.T. did that to him. Maybe to someone else, this was a nice view. To him, it was torture. Sturges had pressed a tape into Kalyna’s hands before she went to the Institute, asking her to run it. It would feed information back to him. Then the entire relay had exploded, and Deacon was sure that Kalyna was dead.

Of course, losing an agent wasn’t fun. But something in him had cracked apart in a way that wasn’t normal. He’d stood frozen, staring at the smoking remains of the molecular relay, willing it to come back online and bring Kalyna back. It didn’t, of course.

Before he could scream at Sturges that he had murdered her, Deacon had walked back into his room and curled into a ball of misery. Even now, here on the roof, he still had no idea why he’d been so shaken. She was just a relatively green member of the Railroad. Agents died. It shouldn’t get to him like that.

Nick had informed him soon after that somehow Kalyna was alive since Sturges was getting data from the Institute, which meant she’d started his dratted tape. And now … now he was waiting. She had to arrive here. And he felt the powerful need to be there when she did.

He went through the umpteenth circle of thinking that there was an excellent chance he’d miss her because he couldn’t sit on a roof for eternity; that there was an equally excellent chance that he already had missed her. He hadn’t come here immediately, after all, had gone to HQ to inform the rest that she was on the inside, and had only after a while resolved to try and intercept her. Also for the umpteenth time, Deacon decided that it was probably wisest to wait for her in Sanctuary. So he picked himself up from his sitting position, dusted himself down, and headed towards the entrance.

But what if she was about to arrive? What if she had Shaun with her and they sent a courser after her and she was alone with her kid and no help in sight? Deacon swore and returned to his position. He resigned himself to the fact that he was losing his mind. Dez would ask him if he was insane. She’d probably be right.

And then the air in front of him flickered. He drew his weapon and ducked behind a crate he’d brought up from the highest floor for that purpose. If this was not Kalyna, he didn’t need to be seen. But the figure that materialised was so familiar he dropped his gun immediately and rushed towards her. ‘Whisper!’

She spun and stared at him. ‘What on earth are you doing here?’

‘Waiting for you.’ He was so close to her that he could see every little pore on her face. ‘Are you all right? Are you … actually you?’

‘No. I’ve been replaced by a synth spy, idiot.’ She said all this without any venom. ‘God, Deacon, you’ve got no idea. Shaun … Father … I was so wrong.’

‘All right. One thing at a time. Did you find your son?’

‘Yes. Боже. Щоб тебе качка копнула.’

Deacon blinked. ‘I didn’t catch that.’

Kalyna gave him a level look. ‘I said, I hope you get kicked by a duck. And no, I’m not lying.’

He smiled at her. ‘That the worst you can swear?’

‘Deacon, I’m beyond swearing.’

‘All right. One step back. You say you found your son. That’s good, right?’

‘No, it fucking isn’t.’ Her hands were clasped in front of her, and Deacon saw that they were shaking. ‘I wasn’t refrozen for ten years. I was put back on ice for sixty. Sixty years in which my son grew up in the Institute and became their leader.’

‘Well, I’ll be … Fuck.’

‘Yeah. That.’

‘Whisper, are you … No. No, you’re not all right. How could you be? What … are you going to do next?’

‘I’ll pretend for as long as I can without bashing my own face in. That I’m working with them, that is. And while I’m doing that, I’ll do all that I can to bring that man down.’

‘Are you sure?’

‘What other options do I have?’ She hugged herself and turned away. ‘Maybe I’m the worst mother ever, but I can’t let him hurt people. Like Virgil, like the synths … My son is a slave monger. Oh God.’

Against his better judgment, Deacon stepped close to her and put his arms around her form. He felt her lean into him, felt her warmth, and closed his eyes. He should back off immediately, but he couldn’t find it in himself. ‘Kalyna. I told you that before, but this time … this time I mean it. You’re not alone. Whatever happens next, I’ll be there with you. Me and Nick and all the rest of your eleven apostles.’

Kalyna turned around. Her eyes were overly bright, but she wasn’t crying. God knew where she took the strength from. Instead, she leaned up and pressed her lips to his left cheek. ‘Thanks, Deacon. And that’s a good metaphor. It’s going to get even better. See, we had no Judas. This oversight is going to be corrected. I’m going to be given my own personal courser. Isn’t that fun?’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _((My notes say, there’ll be three more chapters. I don’t know if I’ll manage before I leave for 10 days, but I’ll try. But yeah. Maybe until the middle of August. Maybe until a lot sooner.))_


	10. Fallen Angels at my Feet

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _((The chapter heading is a line from the song_ Whisper _by Evanescence.))_

The thought had manifested itself in Kalyna’s head soon after her return from the Institute. It had just taken a battle against what seemed to be a host of mirelurks for her to realise that not every knot needed the treatment that Alexander had had for the Gordian one. She had to sort her problems. The Institute was the Gordian type, and so, obviously, were mirelurks and the like. But the Brotherhood, which she did consider a problem, might be something else.

After said vicious battle she knew that Preston Garvey was happy that he had Castle back, Danse was as happy as he ever was because he had fought chaos, and Deacon … Deacon was generally suspiciously serene recently. And so Kalyna sat them down, all three of them looking at her. She wished Nick was there. He seemed to have an answer to everything. But this conflict was her problem, not Nick’s.

‘It’s like this,’ she said. ‘I know we’ve got reason to celebrate a victory. And we’ll do that. But I want you to realise something. We did this together. I’m sure this is replicable.’ She had expected some form of answer, but all she got was interested looks. ‘God. You’re being difficult on purpose. The Commonwealth needs more than one of you. We need someone who looks to the people that get caught between the lines of fire. We need someone who has the firepower to keep the threats down. And we need someone who looks to those that would otherwise be forgotten. I want all of you to think about that, because it will need something to change. You can bring that change to your respective people. Not now, but when our common enemy is gone. What I really don’t want is to find any of you pointing weapons at each other next.’

‘Is that what your courser does? Help destroy the Institute? You’ve been gone, and you came back with him. And now you’re making speeches that can be understood in a lot of ways. Never mind helping him to get back one of their synths.’

Kalyna rolled his eyes. ‘A synth who turned raider controlled Libertalia, Danse. What would you have had me do?’

‘Destroy the synth. Not return him to his owners so they can use him again.’

‘That’s not how espionage works, Dunce.’

‘Deacon. I’m begging you.’

‘I’m serious. What do you want her to do, _Danse_? Shoot the courser? Because that would go down really well. She’d be murdered or kicked out before you could say infiltrator. Not that I think you could spell that.’

‘You watch your mouth, farm boy. Or is that even what you are? I’m watching you.’

‘This,’ Preston said in a carrying voice, ‘is exactly the problem. Get a grip, for God’s sake. If you’re trying to impress someone, you’re not succeeding.’

‘Thanks, Preston. Stop thinking with your glands, both of you.’ They looked shocked. ‘But thanks for making it clear that it is necessary to tell you the obvious: We need to work together. First against the Institute, and then against whatever threatens the people of the Commonwealth.’ She looked at Danse. ‘People. All of them. Which is why I’ve made copies of the tape that Sturges gave me. You all have different angles. We need as many angles as we can get.’ She clapped her hands together. ‘Now, I think we’ve got some work to do with this place, don’t we?’

Preston stood. ‘Yes. Danse, can I borrow you for a moment? I’d like to have your input on some possible fortifications.’ The Minuteman winked at her and led the way outside.

‘Deacon … wait a moment, please. I’d like to ask you something.’

‘Shoot.’

‘Are you religious? You don’t strike me as the type, but given your alias, I wonder.’

‘I … no. That wasn’t the reason. And before you ask me why I picked it, this isn’t something I’m going to tell you. As in, ever.’

‘It wasn’t what I wanted to ask anyway. Do you trust me?’

‘I believe that you want the best for the Commonwealth, Whisper.’

‘Fine. I’ll just take that as a no. No, Deacon, don’t. I didn’t think so anyway.’ She sighed. ‘I’m going to go back to the Glowing Sea, and I want you to hear why from me and not from anyone else.’

‘I could come with you, if you want.’

She looked at him. ‘I would have asked you if you’d said yes. But now, I can’t. I’m taking Nick. We’ll find bombs for the Brotherhood of Steel. They have a large kind of tank-bot that they want to start, and it needs being armed.’

‘You can’t be serious.’

‘Yes. Yes, Deacon, I’m dead serious. If you don’t trust me, go to HQ and tell them to keep me locked out. I would never hurt a single one of you, but I have to … I have to do this. In part to play them. In part to give them a weapon that just might be enough to take down the Institute. And in part … Deacon, in part to force you to make up your mind about what kind of person you think I am. Think about it. Hard.’

‘Take me with you, Whisper.’

‘No.’ Kalyna stood. ‘You have to talk this out with yourself. You either trust me, or you don’t. But you have to make up your mind.’

Ϡ

‘Well, I can tell you one thing,’ Kalyna said. ‘This place won’t grow on me.’

‘As long as you don’t start glowing yourself, it’s all right.’ Nick sighed. ‘This power armour is really something else. No need to point out the time I refused to use it, but I don’t have to enjoy myself.’

‘I wasn’t going to. I never did that, Nick.’

‘I know. You had every right to.’ They entered the facility the Brotherhood had pointed them to, the door closing behind them. ‘You think I can ditch that armour here?’

‘We may not leave the way we came.’

Nick chuckled. ‘I’m pulling your leg, kid. But you’re not the best victim.’

Kalyna snorted. ‘Who’s better?’

‘Danse. He’s easy to drive up the wall. But that might be just me.’

‘Let’s not talk about Danse. Or Deacon, for that matter. I could kick them both, sometimes.’

‘Huh.’ Nick stalled her. ‘You hear that?’

‘Yeah. Ghouls.’

‘Well. You do know that you can make your pick, Kalyna, don’t you?’

‘My pick? We shoot them, of course. They don’t sound like the type that’ll speak to us.’

‘Not the ghouls. Danse and Deacon. You can’t be that blind.’

‘I … what?’ She stopped and took off the helmet of her power armour. ‘What do you mean?’ She talked in an undertone to avoid alerting the ghouls to them.

Nick had mirrored her. He rolled his eyes. ‘Come on. They like you.’

‘Deacon? Seriously? He doesn’t even trust me. Neither does Danse, as I learned recently.’

‘I’m not sure what it is in Deacon’s case. But he sure likes you a lot. He looked like a beaten puppy when we left. If this is what I think it is, he’s dead serious about it. I don’t know if Danse is, but the way he looks at you speaks volumes.’

‘Danse is a soldier.’

‘And a man, Kalyna. He admires your strength and he’s drawn to that. Don’t forget that Danse doesn’t know what Deacon stands for, even though he might guess. He makes Danse nervous because the two of you are very close: He’s jealous.’

‘Well, he doesn’t have to. Deacon said he doesn’t do that kind of thing.’ When the spy had first told her that, she’d been relieved. Somehow, now, she wasn’t. This wasn’t good.

Nick’s lips twitched into a small smile. ‘I’ve known Deacon for a pretty long time. Probably met him shortly after he joined the Railroad, and that was about two decades ago. In that time, I’ve never seen him as relaxed as he is with you. He also seems to find reasons to spend time with you that have nothing to do with the Railroad, and that isn’t like him. You’ve done something to him, but I’m not sure even he knows what that is yet. When he wises up, he’ll either run to you or from you. I’m not sure which.’

‘Are you asking me not to hurt him, or telling me to be careful because he could hurt me?’

‘Neither. Or actually, a little bit of both. To the best of my knowledge, he’s avoided relationships of this sort like the plague. I’m not sure if that is because it’s not his thing or because something’s happened to him. I’d guess it’s the latter. Make of that what you will.’

‘I … Nick, I shouldn’t be thinking about this at all. My husband died recently, and my son is a monster, and … oh God. I can’t. I can’t do this.’

‘That’s what you’ve got to figure out. But your husband died sixty years ago. You didn’t have anywhere near that long to mourn him, I know that. But you have a right to move on. Your entire life has changed. You’re hardly the same person you were before the war. The only one who has a right to hold you back is you.’ Nick put his helmet back on. ‘Now we can chat about this or anything that’s weighing on you as long as you want, but I’d rather do that when we’re out of here. I don’t like the Glowing Sea much more than you do, and this place here is bad even by its standards.’


	11. What Silenced Me Is Written Into Law

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _((Chapter heading is a line from the song_ The Final Straw _by R.E.M.))_

Kalyna had gone to the airport alone. Bringing Nick might be more provocation than was wise. She heard that Maxson wanted to speak to her, but before she could board a vertibird, she heard someone shout over the noise and found Deacon approaching with wide steps. A soldier from the Brotherhood was walking at his side, weapon drawn and yelling something about trespassing. ‘Don’t shoot him!’ Kalyna shouted. ‘He’s with me.’ The soldier left her and she pulled Deacon away to a slightly quieter corner.

‘Are you out of your mind? I told you …’

‘I know. Danse is gone. He vanished in the dead of night and I had a really bad feeling because he left his power armour at Sanctuary and that isn’t like him. Before those idiots spotted me, I listened to them.’ He leaned closer. ‘The tape you gave them – and I’m not blaming you here – it gave them … Maxson is going to tell you something. I want you to hear it from him so you’re properly shocked. But I have a bit of info, and I want you to know in advance that we’ll fix this. All right?’

Even though Deacon’s eyes were hidden behind his shades, she could feel them boring into hers. ‘I’m officially frightened.’

‘Don’t be. Go to the Prydwen, listen, and come back to me. I’ve got details for you.’

‘Come up with me.’

‘I’d rather not.’

Kalyna groaned with exasperation. ‘Damn it, Deacon. Every time I think that finally you find it in you to believe in me, you’ve got to show me that you don’t. What do you think I’ll do? Wrap you as a gift to Maxson?’

Deacon swallowed, his Adam’s apple bobbing. ‘That … is so not it. But fine. I’m coming with you.’

‘Don’t bother.’

‘Whisper. Please. Give me a chance to make this right.’

She swore. ‘Move, then.’

The moment the vertibird took off, it became abundantly clear that Deacon hadn’t been worried about betrayal. He was sheet-white, his hands shaking. She hadn’t thought that she’d ever see him genuinely frightened and felt horrible. She covered one of his hands with her own, and he grabbed it and held on as if for dear life.

And then, it was Kalyna that was grateful for the presence half a step behind her. Without Deacon there, she’d probably have shot Maxson as soon as he told her to murder Danse for not being who he thought he was. This way, she said she would do as she was told, find him, and execute him. Deacon had a plan, whatever that was, he knew something and he was there.

Ϡ

Deacon had gone with Kalyna to Listening Post Bravo. He had heard that Danse had gone there from one of the younger fellows. He had not, however, followed her inside. So Kalyna found Danse, miserable and resolved to give up his life. ‘Danse. Oh God, Danse. I’m glad I’ve found you.’

‘Ah. So Maxson sent you to execute me.’ He looked different, outside his power armour. More human, and with the current expression on his face, even fragile.

‘He did. But I’m not going to.’

‘You cannot defy his orders.’ Some of Danse’s vigour seemed to come back. ‘Letting me live is betraying everything the Brotherhood stands for. I can’t let you do that.’

‘Ah. Yes. You’re a synth and must be destroyed. Save it for someone who believes that, Danse.’ She stepped into his personal space. ‘Look. This doesn’t change what you’ve done. Every time you risked your life, every time you worried about your soldiers, like Haylen … Are you seriously able to convince yourself that what you felt wasn’t real?’

‘I … how could it be?’

‘Because you’re a person. Remember what I said to you and Deacon and Preston? I want the people of the Commonwealth safe. That means everyone that isn’t a monster. It means Piper and Nick and Deacon and you and Hancock. All of you are trying to make things better for the people, and all of you focus on one particular group. And all of you feel strongly for those in need.’

‘I still don’t know what Deacon focusses on except stealing your time.’

Kalyna tilted her head. ‘Jealousy is a pretty human thing, too, you know. Look. Deacon … you should talk to him. If anyone knows what to say to you, it’s him.’

Danse shook his head. ‘No. I can’t. If your refuse to kill me, you risk your life and I won’t let you suffer for this. Maxson would have you executed for disobeying a direct order. Here, take my dog tags and bring them as evidence that …’

The door banged open and Deacon stepped inside. ‘Sorry. Didn’t mean to interrupt, but is there a hidden way out of here? Because Maxson’s here. He followed us.’

Danse closed his eyes in defeat. Deacon grabbed his upper arms. ‘Listen up, Paladin. You’re not going to die today. Kalyna and I have got your back, but you need to help us. So here’s the question. Do you want to live?’

‘I …’ His eyes met Kalyna’s. ‘Yes.’

Deacon let go of him. ‘Then act like a fucking soldier. We’ll face Maxson. Kalyna can talk sense into deathclaws. She’ll manage your Elder.’ His lips twitched. ‘And if she doesn’t, we can still try to shoot him or run like hell. But I refuse to leave you to his mercy, whatever our differences might be.’

Ϡ

Maxson, somehow, had seen sense. Or at least some. Kalyna had sent Danse back to Sanctuary and Deacon to the Railroad to wait for her there. She’d been asked to talk to Father, and she couldn’t delay it any longer. Whatever she had expected, however, it wasn’t for him to request assistance in attacking Bunker Hill. Like Maxson’s task, it was a test of her loyalty. Also like Maxson’s task, there was no way she could go through with it the way she was told. So Kalyna burst into the Railroad HQ, more hectic than they’d ever seen her. ‘I come from the Institute. You need to listen to me. They know about Bunker Hill and they’re going to attack it. I will try and keep my cover, but I need you to go there.’ She swallowed. ‘The Brotherhood will be there, too. The Institute told me to make sure they didn’t find out, and I must have got that order wrong. I know they’re not on our side, but remember who the real threat is, if you can. But if they shoot, shoot back with a vengeance.’

‘Whisper, can we …’

‘No. No time. I’ve got to go. There’s a courser waiting for me, and if I don’t want to be found out, I need to meet with him. I need to figure out how to do this right. Just … send help. Thanks. Bye.’

‘Whisper.’ Deacon came from the shooting range. ‘I’m coming with you. You’re not doing this on your own. Come on.’

Kalyna nodded. ‘Thanks. I’m going to need you there.’

She wouldn’t have managed to keep up with Deacon when she’d first met him. But somewhere between then and now, she’d got the strength and stamina to be barely out of breath when they reached the courser. He didn’t look like he appreciated Deacon’s presence, but Kalyna assured him that he was nothing more than a mercenary. Deacon was wearing a gunner’s outfit, so that would be plausible to someone from the Commonwealth. The courser either knew enough to buy into the story, or, being a courser, simply didn’t give a damn. The only thing that mattered to him was that four escaped synths were in Bunker Hill and he was to recover them.

The first obstacle on the way was the closed main gate. Deacon swore like the worst gunner one could find. ‘Come on, there’s another way in. If that’s locked tight, too, we can still blast our way through.’

The small settlement was in complete chaos. There were early generation synths, Brotherhood soldiers, and Railroad heavies all over the place, shooting at each other with little care who they hit. ‘Deacon, ideas where?’

‘There’s a hidden basement. I’ve used it as a stash for ammo. Bunch of corridors and some security under it. Perfect hiding place. I’ll lead the way.’

For the first time in very long, Kalyna thought of Nate, of his life as a soldier that he’d always shielded her from, thinking she couldn’t take the hard reality he faced every day. Now this reality was hers, and if she’d known how ugly battles were, maybe she wouldn’t be so panicked now that she was in the middle of one. But somehow they made it to a hatch in the floor and she opened it with shaking hands and they were inside and she had to stop and collect herself.

A few stragglers had brought the fight down into the place. Kalyna ignored them all. She couldn’t attack the Railroad, but if she attacked the others, she’d blow her cover.

Deacon stopped her after a while. ‘Only along that corridor, now. There’s a room in there, I suppose we’ll find them in it.’

Kalyna nodded. She hesitated before moving on. She needed a plan, and the only one she had wasn’t exactly ideal.

‘We have to retrieve our assets, Ma’am.’

Kalyna looked at the courser, making up her mind. ‘Yes. Move along, then. Not like there’s anywhere to get lost, it seems.’ He turned his back on her, and before she could think of what she was doing, Kalyna had shot him in the head and she kept firing when he was on the ground and still. Only when Deacon took the gun out of her unresisting hands and embraced her did she realise what she’d just done.

‘Bullets aren’t cheap, you know,’ he said quietly as he released her. ‘Before we get those four the hell out of dodge, would you tell me what this was?’

Kalyna looked at the dead courser and shuddered. ‘What choice did I have?’

‘To keep your cover, Whisper.’

‘And bash my own face in. Remember?’

He nodded. ‘Yeah. But that isn’t even what I meant. Shooting him was one thing. But you were trying to turn him into a colander. I know a bit about what it looks like when someone’s breaking apart at the seams, and I hope you’re not doing that to me.’

‘I’m not breaking.’ She swallowed. ‘I need to end this. I can’t keep lying to my son. I am his enemy. And he needs to know that. He’s going to be mad and he’ll underestimate me. And the Brotherhood … Who knows what they’re going to tell me to do next?’

Deacon gave her the gun back. ‘Then what is your plan?’

‘I don’t have one. And that’s what’s scaring me. Not the courser or even those idiots on their fucking airship. I don’t know what I’m going to do next. But I know I’ve got to stop my son. And I don’t want to slaughter the Brotherhood. I think the Commonwealth needs them. But I’ll have to usurp them eventually. Does that even make sense?’

‘It does. But blasting them from the sky is probably easier. And faster.’

‘There are children on that ship, Deacon.’

The spy paled visibly. ‘How can they bring kids in to a war?’

‘Because they’re crazy. That’s why. But I can’t … I just can’t.’

‘Whisper, we’ll find a way to handle all this.’

‘You’re counting yourself in, too?’

‘Of course I am. I like to consider myself useful, if nothing else, so yeah.’

‘You’re more than useful.’ Kalyna looked at him, and on impulse, she plucked the shades from his face. ‘Deacon, I’m still not sure if we’re going to survive today, so I’ve got to say this now.’

‘You’re not dying anytime soon.’

‘Listen to me. I care about you. So much. You and Nick are my best friends, but you … I wish you could be more. I shouldn’t be telling you this at all, seeing how you don’t do all that, but …’

‘Now wait a moment.’ Deacon’s eyes were on her, and they had her captured. Looking away was impossible. ‘I don’t think I said that I’ve never fallen in love. That’s a lie you won’t hear me say. It takes a lot for that to happen, but it’s not unheard of.’ He swallowed and took her hands into his. ‘Look. This isn’t the best time for this conversation. Let’s find our synths, then you go to Father, and I get them out of here. And when we meet back at HQ, we’ll talk.’ With a trembling hand, Deacon brushed a strand of hair out of her face. ‘And don’t think for a moment that I don’t have you on my mind all the damn time.’


	12. Epilogue: Mercurial Future

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _((The chapter heading is taken from_ Leaving New York _by R.E.M.))_

Kalyna stepped onto the roof of the C.I.T. Father’s face was readable like a book. There was disappointment and wariness and betrayal. She didn’t even try to hide what she felt. If she saw herself in the mirror right now, she’d be faced with a mask of fury. ‘Don’t bother,’ she said, pointing in the direction of Bunker Hill. ‘Your courser is a colander. I’m not going to say I’m sorry because I’m not. And unless you want the same he got, you get the fuck out right now.’

‘But why? Why would you betray me, throw all that I offer into my face?’

Kalyna snorted. ‘Like you’d understand if I told you. You’re a slaver and a torturer. Go home and know one thing. I’ll find a way to return. And the day I come back to the Institute will be the day you die.’ She pulled her gun. ‘Go. Go now or it’s today.’

Ϡ

The people at the Slog knew Deacon. He came by every once in a while. Almost every time before and after a face change and sometimes in between. It had been a long time now, so long he couldn’t even tell when he’d last come.

After bringing the four synths to Amari, his instructions had been to return to HQ. Whisper would already be there. But instead, his steps had led him north, all the way up here, as if on their own accord.

The mark he’d left on the place, a little bit away from the actual settlement, would be invisible to everyone but him. The burnt remainder of a small house. And a patch of hubflower. It had once had a slightly different colour, and Deacon had thought it was a mutation so he’d brought it here. But apparently, there had just been something in the soil there, making the flowers reddish. Here, over all this time, they had reverted to their natural colour. Deacon sat cross-legged on the floor. ‘Hi,’ he said softly. ‘Been a while, I know. It’s just … This is going to be awkward. Now I know you’re not going to be mad at me. You’re probably smiling, wherever you are, telling me this is good for me, but … I’ve got to tell you this.’

He rubbed a hand over his face. ‘You see, I’ve found someone who … I’ve got feelings for her. But she doesn’t know all that she should. Like you didn’t. But this time … I’ve got to do this right, if I do it. I mean, you never knew the darkest parts of me, but that was a mistake. You learned them in such a horrible way, and you must have felt so betrayed. And if I were to ever have another human being suffer my presence they should know what they’re getting themselves into. What sort of person they’re letting so close. And no-one sane would do that.’ He took a few steadying breaths. ‘Which is why what I feel or what she feels doesn’t matter. She loves … she loves someone, but not me. Like you. You loved the young farmer, the blundering fool who learned all he knew from you. And she loves the agent who tries to make the world better for those who don’t even get a fighting chance on their own. But neither of you … neither of you would love a bigot and a murderer.’

He placed his hands on the ground in front of the bush of hubflower. There had been a small mound once, but now the earth was flat, and only the plant indicated the spot. ‘My God, what would you have me do? If I don’t tell her, I have to go dark. I can’t face her again and not tell her, let her waste herself on me like that. And if I tell her she’ll kill me. She’s got to. The Railroad means too much for her to let me stay with them, and I know too much to let me go.’ Slowly he stood again. ‘No. I can’t do that, not before our job is done. I’ve had this mug for too long anyway. This time the name will have to go, too, it seems. Again.’ He smiled. ‘I don’t know when I can come back, of course. I’ll have to lie low. You know it doesn’t mean I’ve forgotten you. But one way or another, it’s time for me to move on. Good bye.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _((I did say this wouldn’t have a satisfying end, didn’t I?_ Wash It All Away _takes up right there, pretty much._


End file.
